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ANNOUNCER: RBI Baseball Tonight is brought to you by PartyPoker.com, where more college students lose their tuition than any other place online. And by The Heroin Council. Need a fix? Try heroin!
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Brian Kenny:
Welcome to RBI Baseball Tonight. Karl, Peter, Harold, John, Tim, Rob and anyone else associated with this show are all on vacation, so we'll be filling in. I'm joined by Jeff Brantley.
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Jeff Brantley:
Man, buddy, I am, like, so excited to be here! This is awesome!
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BK: And, as a special treat, former RBI Baseball Tonight commentator Bobby Valentine. Now, even though this...
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Bobby Valentine:
My name is not Bobby Valentine!
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BK:
Excuse me, Bobby?
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BV:
My name is not Bobby Valentine. Clearly, you have me confused with someone else. My name is Valentino...uhhh...Roberts.
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BK:
Valentino Roberts?
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BV:
Yes, I am the RBI Baseball champion, of, umm, Paraguay!
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BK:
Ooookay, then, "Valentino", as I was saying...Even though this is a holiday week, the RBI Baseball world is not taking a week off. In fact, the playoff race is kicking into high gear. Six teams are within a game of third, and with six games left, every game is huge. And the games start off with a match-up between the Poopydicks and BeefMaster. A Poppydicks win, and they can perhaps gain some breathing room. If BeefMaster wins, they're right in the thick of the playoff race.
Let's get to the highlights. Top of the 1st and one out for Ruppert Jones, and, oh, what a month Rupperto is having. Solo shot and it's 1-0 Poppydicks.
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BV:
That is, how do you say, a big bomb that he dropped there, yes...
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BK:
Why do you sound like Triumph?
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BV:
I do not know of this "Triumph". Is he also a Paraguyer?
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BK:
Umm, sure thing, Valentino. Let's move ahead to the bottom of the third. It's now 3-0 Poopydicks, and Jimmy Key gets on for BeefMaster with a lead-off single.
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JB:
Yeah, it's, umm, really bad to have that happen.
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BK:
Yes it is, especially when you let Glenn Davis hit with runners on. Usually, he hits nothing but doubles, but here, it's nothing but a two-run bomb. Next batter, Don Baylor, also a home run. And just like that we're tied up.
But here come The Poopydicks back. Kevin Mitchell leads off with a double, and Bill Bucker's sacrifice fly gets him home. And then the hits start. Jones doubles. Chili Davis knocks him home. Then Darrell Evans singles and Matt Nokes draws the walk.
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BV:
In my country, fat people are not that patient. They want to hit right away so they can get back to the dugout and eat more taquitos.
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BK:
Great. That brings up Chet Lemon, and he hits a hard grounded through the hole into left field. Now, they have a chance to get Evans at third and end the inning, but Dave Henderson tries to throw before he fields, and there's a bop. Evans scores, and Nokes goes to third. Dave Bergman then doubles, and before you know it, the score is 8-3 Poppydicks.
Jeff, what does that do to a pitcher when the defense lets him down?
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JB:
Well, umm, you get mad. Then you get frustrated. Then, umm, it sucks.
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BK:
Hmmm, insightful as always, Jeff. Now it's the bottom of the fourth, and John Tudor is clearly on his last inning of work. He's tired, and he gives up a double to Henderson, and after a hard out, a single to Ryne Sandberg. BeefMaster goes to the bench for pinch-hitter extraordinaire Harold Baines, and boy does he deliver. A three-run shot into the right field bleachers, and the lead is back to 8-6.
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BV:
That Harold Baines, he is one professional hitter. Or as we say, "un hittero profess-Ian-Al"
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BK:
I agree with you there. So, top of the fifth, and both starters are gone after fairly effective starts. You might have started to think that this was going to be a low-scoring. Bruce Hurst comes in, and Tudor is lifted for pinch-hitter Jim Lindeman. He singles, then Buckner grounds out. No big deal, right?
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JB:
Uh, no.
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BK:
Wrong. Because then all hell breaks loose. Jones and Davis get on and Lindeman comes home, and then Evans hits a three-run jack to left center to make it 11-6.
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BV:
That Darrell Evans, that is why they call him "El Naturali"
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BK:
OK, enough's enough. Bobby, I'm used to working with unprofessional brats, after all I did used to work with Max Kellerman. But this is ridiculous. What the hell is going on?
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BV:
Well, umm, my baseball team in Japan doesn't know I'm here doing this – I'm supposed to be doing a baseball clinic at a Cheap Trick concert tonight in Toyko.
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BK:
Well, I think they know where you are now, so just take off that disguise and we'll get moving along.
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BV:
What disguise? This is my new look. I call it The Olbermann.
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BK:
Yikes, don't mention that name around here! We'll all get fired! Anyway, we continue in the top of the fifth, and the bleeding continues for Hurst. Nokes, Lemon, Bergman and Mitchell all get on, so we come back to pinch-hitter Lindeman. And, Jeff, you know that you can't give the Man from Des Plaines a meatball over the plate like that! Roped down the right field line for a three-run homer, and by the end of the inning, it's 17-6.
What happened to Bruce Hurst out there, Jeff? Were his mechanics off? Something that the BeefMaster hitters were doing differently?
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JB:
Umm, I think he might be drunk.
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BK:
Gee, I bet his is...thanks for that Jeff...
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JB: No really, if you look at this replay, you can clearly see a flask in his back pocket. Much like Tim Raines, Bruce needs a little something extra to get him going. Only this time, it might have been a little too much.
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BK:
Wow, that's actually really insightful for once. Thanks, Jeff. So, bottom of the fifth, and with Blyleven out of the pen fresh, all the Poppydicks need are three outs and to hold BeefMaster to a run. Don Baylor leads off with a single, and then Reggie Jackson, who had been hitting poorly all game, unloads on a pitch.
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JB:
Potatoes!
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BV:
Papas!
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BK:
Whatever language you speak, that's drilled into the bleachers in left center. So, OK, no mercy rule yet, but this game has to be a rout. Next batter is Gary Carter, who dumps a ball into the gap in right center. And the kid doesn't stop hustling until he makes third. He knows how important each run is!
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BV:
Hey, trust me, I know – just because a guy is a jerk, doesn't mean he isn't good.
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BK:
I hear you there. Now, it gets serious, and after Henderson singles in Carter, Brett grounds into a fielder's choice, and there's one out. And then the madness begins.
Sandberg gets a single, and so does the pitcher, Bruce Hurst. Which brings up Dick Schofield with the bases loaded. And Dickie delivers, a grand slam to left center! Davis singles, and then Baylor with his second home run. Suddenly, it's 17-13.
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JB:
I've never seen anything like this before...
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BK:
And, to quote Wallace Shawn from "The Princess Bride", I'm just getting warmed up. Baylor adds a two-run home run. And then with two outs and two on, Sandberg hits a three-run shot, and somehow, someway, BeefMaster leads 18-17. But there's more! Hurst singles again! Schofield singles, and Davis does what he always does...
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BV:
Hit doubles...
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BK:
To drive in Hurst. So we've got two on for Don Baylor and you guessed it, another home run. This one over the lights in left center. Finally, Reggie grounds out to end the inning. And I'm spent...
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JB:
I could use a cigarette...
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BV:
And I could use a tissue!
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BK:
That's a disturbing visual, and please staying well behind the desk, Bobby. A combined 26 runs in the fifth inning, including a mind-blowing 17 by BeefMaster! To put this into context, in their first eight games, BeefMaster had scored 17 or more runs in a game just twice. Here they do it in one inning! This is by far a record in Fantasy RBI play, and an offensive explosion that we may never see again.
The Poppydicks scored twice in the sixth to try and keep it close, but you could tell that they had given up on the game. BeefMaster smelled blood in the slaughterhouse, and they went for the kill in the bottom of the sixth. George Brett broke out of a big slump with a two-run shot, and then, with two on, who else to end the game but Don Baylor. His fourth home run of the game, and just like that, BeefMaster goes from being three outs away to being mercy ruled to winning by mercy rule, 29-19.
Any thoughts, guys?
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JB:
I don't know how Blyleven's going to bounce back from this. I've had some rough games, but giving up 21 earned runs in 1 2/3 innings? I don't know if he was drunk, but he should be after this.
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BV:
This is the type of performance that turns seasons around, for both teams. Give BeefMaster a lot of credit – they didn't get down early in the season, they didn't get down when they went down big today, and because of that, those little green guys are right back in the playoff hunt.
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BK:
Looking at the final stats, and Don Baylor had a monster game. Four home runs and nine RBI is amazing. I think we know who the RBI Baseball player of the week is for this week.
That's all the time we have. For Jeff Brantley, Bobby Valentino and the rest of the crew, thanks for watching. "The Making of the 2005 New York Liberty Swimsuit Calendar" is up next on the Deuce.
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If I can't get into this league next time around, someone is going to have to die.
:-X
EDIT: - forgot to congratulate usc on a job well done. You the man. And Beef, may you drink a cow paddy milkshake.
Woo hoo! I'm mildly close to having a winning record!
How about Bruce Hurst? He went 2-for-2 in the 17-run inning. Not bad for a pitcher. The #9 spot in my order was 4-5 with a homer, 4 runs scored and 3 RBI.
Nice work once again USC
I'm gaining something akin to respect for Geena Davis - all the guy does is hit doubles. He's like BeefMaster's version of Cal Ripken...
I just re-read the stats, and I've found my lineup's weak point:
Reggie Jackson - 1-5, 1 HR, and he made two of the three outs in the 17-run inning.
Also, I think I should get some sort of bonus points for all four of my starting infielders playing their correct positions.
Potatoes had played pretty well the last few weeks - it's hard for me to say that he's a weak point. I think there are some high expectations on him, though...
I love this league. I needs in. Great job usc.