RBI Baseball Tonight All-Star Selection Show

[fightonusc]

Welcome to a special Fantasy RBI Baseball Tonight All-Star Selection show. Brought to you by: the Honda Civic, voted the Gayest Car on the Road by Redneck Driver Magazine five years in a row. And by Roll-A-Hose. VitB8 says, "if you need a hose that rolls, buy a Roll-A-Hose!"


Karl Ravech: Welcome, everyone, to a special edition of RBI Baseball Tonight, where we announce the Fantasy RBI League All-Star selections, as voted on by managers and the fans. Joining me to break down these selection are Rob Dibble and Tim Kurkjian. Rob, as a former player, what does being selected to an All-Star game mean to you?


Rob Dibble: To me, it's a big pain in the ass. I mean, I always loved the All-Star break because that meant I had a week off during the season to get drunk and go hunting with my buddies. All-Star games always meant extra travel and a game, and for what? To make the fans happy? What's that all about?


KR: Well, I think that most RBI Fantasy League players don't take such a dim view of the fans as you do.


Tim Kurkjian: But then again, it would be hard to be dim about anything as Rob...


RB: Hey, eat it, Poindexter!


KR: As you can see, this balloting has everyone excited. Let's start out with revealing the American League selections. First, the starting outfielders:

Ellis Burks (6 votes): .655 BA, 6 HR, 11 RBI, 14 R, 1.586 SLG
George Bell (5 votes): .733 BA, 8 HR, 15 RBI, 14 R, 1.733 SLG
Ruppert Jones (4 votes): .516 BA, 8 HR, 13 RBI, 13 RBI, 1.419 SLG

Tim, you had an interesting insight on this?


TK: Well, it turns out that the Commissioner's Office had a tough time deciding who Ellis Burks was, since as we know, in the video game, he is called Tim Burks. However, a late-night meeting with the RBI Baseball Players' Union and the Commissioner's Office resulted in the votes for both Tim and Ellis Burks to be counted together.


KR: That's a fair resolution, I think. No real surprises there, so let's move on to the starting American League infielders:

Kent Hrbek (5): .556 BA, 10 HR, 18 RBI, 15 R, 1.556 SLG
Gary Gaetti (5): .636 BA, 7 HR, 14 RBI, 15 R, 1.424 SLG
Cal Ripken (4): .733 BA, 3 HR, 12 RBI, 18 R, 1.367 SLG
Darrell Evans (3): 0.552 BA, 8 HR, 15 RBI, 13 R, 1.483 SLG

Now, Darrell Evans and Tom Brookens each tied with three votes a piece, and the Commissioner's Office had to break the tie. Rob, you think that they made the right decision, don't you?


RD: I do. Even though Brookens has a better batting average, Evans' power and slugging numbers can't be ignore. Plus, even though Brookens has a powerful cheesy moustache, Darrell Evans is the spokesperson for Coors Light, and in my book, beer trumps moustache.


KR: Well put, Rob. Spoken like a true redneck. Now, let's show you that Matt Nokes was voted the AL starting catcher by a wide margin:

Matt Nokes (4): .556 BA, 6 HR, 13 RBI, 14 R, 1.481 SLG

And now the pitching staff for the AL, and I think that the starter is going to be controversial:

Roger Clemens (6): 2-3, 15.90 ERA, 66 H, 3 K, 0 BB

Tim, you were pretty perplexed by this, correct?


TK: More like stunned. I mean, just look at the numbers – Clemens is 12th out of 20 pitchers in ERA who have thrown more than five innings this season. He's a sub-.500 pitcher this season, and I don't care if his name is Roger Clemens, he doesn't deserve to be on the All-Star team, much less the starter.


RD: Oh, shut up, you pinhead. See, since you've never played the game, you don't understand why Roger Clemens deserves to start regardless of numbers. He's the Rocket, and he's the pitcher that any manager would want throwing with the game on the line. Usually, the fans are idiots, but this time their idiocy led them to the right decision.


KR: Let's quickly look at the rest of the AL pitching staff..

Frank Viola (4): 3-0, 12.71 ERA, 47 H, 1 K, 0 BB
Doyle Alexander (3): 0-1, 15.15 ERA, 38 H
Bret Saberhagen (2): 3-0, 15.00 ERA, 54 H, 1 K

And guys, this is a pretty thin pitching staff for the American League.


TK: Look, you have three pitchers with 15.00 ERAs or higher, two guys with losing records, one guy without a win...I dare say that even Rob could have made the All-Star team against these guys...


KR: You're probably right. Let's finish up the AL roster with the four bench players. A surprising number of catchers here:

Tom Brookens: .594 BA, 4 HR, 10 RBI, 15 R, 1.188 SLG
Rich Gedman: .565 BA, 6 HR, 11 RBI, 11 R, 1.435 SLG
Jose Canseco: .543 BA, 4 HR, 14 RBI, 15 R, 1.371 SLG
Tim Laudner: .484 BA, 5 HR, 16 RBI, 9 R, 1.032 SLG

Any surprises here, guys?


RD: I think that you could make a case for a few players such as Kirby Puckett or Tony Armas over Tim Laudner. I mean, he's a product of batting in that potent Nimrods line-up.


TK: I couldn't disagree more. You don't have 16 RBI just by dumb luck. He's gotten key hit after key hit, and he's a main reason that Nimrods offense has become so potent.

[fightonusc]

KR: OK, let's move on to the National League starters, beginning with the outfield:

Andre Dawson (6): .697 BA, 6 HR, 15 RBI, 17 R, 1.364 SLG
Eric Davis (5): .783 BA, 6 HR, 17 RBI, 12 R, 1.783 SLG
Darryl Strawberry (3): .563 BA, 6 HR, 17 RBI, 12 RBI, 1.250 SLG

Again, no huge surprises here and again we see that Nimrods' presence all over this line-up.


TK: Absolutely. When you hit the ball like they do, you're going to get a lot of players on the starting roster.


KR: Let's move over the starting infield, and this is probably the big weakness of the NL squad:

Jack Clark (6): .559 BA, 8 HR, 21 RBI, 15 R, 1.382 SLG
Kevin Mitchell (5): .500 BA, 2 H, 10 RBI, 6 R, 1.000 SLG
Will Clark (4): .563 BA, 2 HR, 11 RBI, 9 R, .969 SLG
Phil Garner (3): .571 BA, 3 HR, 7 R, 6 RBI, 1.286 SLG


RD: Yeah, let's face it, other than Jack Clark, these guys suck. Will Clark's been underperforming all year, Kevin Mitchell's a Punch and Judy eight hole hitter, and Phil Garner...well, he's on Houston, and that's all I have to say about that.


TK: I hate to agree with Rob, but he's right. Although Garner's been a pleasant surprise this season, and Jack Clark's a monster hitter, the NL infield isn't close to the AL infield.


KR: We'll see if this turns out to be the downfall of the NL in the All-Star game. Quickly let's move over to the NL starting catcher, where voters clearly went for the hot hand here:

Gary Carter (4): .615 BA, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 11 R, 1.423 SLG

We've mentioned that the AL's pitching staff might be their weakness. Conversely...


RD: Like the shoes?


KR: No, like the opposite of...anyway, the NL pitching staff might be their strength, and the starter for them is John Tudor:

John Tudor (6): 3-1, 9.59 ERA, 55 H, 5 K, 0 BB

And it's kind of hard to argue this selection, Rob?


RD: You really can't. He's been solid all season, and he's leading all starters in ERA. Being under a 10.00 ERA as a starter in RBI Baseball? That's almost unheard of!


KR: And as you look at the rest of the NL pitching staff, compare their ERAs to the AL staff:

Bob Ojeda (5): 3-0, 10.05 ERA, 63 H, 4 K, 4 BB
Danny Cox (4): 0-0, 9.77 ERA, 31 H, 3 K, 0 BB
Dwight Gooden (3): 2-2, 14.21 ERA, 56 H, 6 K, 1 BB

And you might notice that there are no true closers on either staff. In the case of the AL staff, the Commissioner's Office broke a tie between Saberhagen and closers such as Righetti and Henke. Tim, you heard something from the Commissioner's Office on that?


TK: I did. Sources close to the Commissioner's Office told me that two factors went into this. One, he didn't feel as though any closers had distinguished themselves this season. Secondly, he feels that closers are "highly overrated" in RBI Baseball, and that they all in fact, and I quote here, "pretty much blow." Also, on a related note, suck it, Drabble.


RD: Oh, kiss my tattooed ass, Jerkian!


KR: Well, before we get pulled off of the air, let's quickly go through the NL bench players:

Dale Murphy: .406 BA, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 11 R, 1.156 SLG
John Morris: .543 BA, 4 HR, 10 RBI, 12 R, 1.086 SLG
Bob Brenly: .515 BA, 6 HR, 13 RBI, 10 R, 1.212 SLG
Mike Schmidt: .464 BA, 3 HR, 7 RBI, 10 R, .929 SLG


TK: Again, the fans showed their ignorance in selecting Schmidt for the bench. If you were making an All-Star team of Most Disappointing Players, then maybe you could add Schmidt to this list. What were the fans thinking?


KR: As usual, probably not much. That's all the time we have for now. Stay tuned to ESPN2 as we have, in place of NHL coverage, a live minor-league hockey broadcast of the Newark Sewer Rats versus the Bristol Dingleberrys. Enjoy, everyone!

[dvldog]

I'm stunned to see Schmidt on the ballot.  He's still on the market, since you guys like him so much.

I also believe fightonusc is a robot created by the RBI programmers themselves.  His existence is a message from them.

*reaching my hands to the window, whispers*  I hear you RBI gods.

[fightonusc]

A recap of the All-Star game rosters:

American League

OF - Ellis Burks (Sp)
OF - George Bell (Oc)
OF - Ruppert Jones (Pd)
IF - Kent Hrbek (St)
IF - Gary Gaetti (U7)
IF - Cal Ripken (Cp)
IF - Darrell Evans (Pd)
C - Matt Nokes (Pd)
SP - Roger Clemens (Ftd)
RP - Frank Viola (Cp)
RP - Doyle Alexander (Oc)
RP - Bret Saberhagen (Sp)
Bench - Tom Brookens (Cp)
Bench - Rich Gedman (Oc)
Bench - Jose Canseco (St)
Bench - Tim Laudner (U7)

National League


OF - Andre Dawson (U7)
OF - Eric Davis (Ftd)
OF - Darryl Strawberry (Cp)
IF - Jack Clark (St)
IF - Kevin Mitchell (Pd)
IF - Will Clark (U7)
IF - Phil Garner (U7)
C - Gary Carter (Bm)
SP - John Tudor (Pd)
RP - Bob Ojeda (St)
RP - Danny Cox (St)
RP - Dwight Gooden (Oc)
Bench - Dale Murphy (Cp)
Bench - John Morris (St)
Bench - Bob Brenly (St)
Bench - Mike Schmidt (Sp)

All-Stars By Team:

The Stiffs: 7 (2 starters/5 bench)
The Poopydicks: 5 (5/0)
The Nimrods: 5 (4/1)
The Creamy Pirates: 5 (2/3)
The OC: 4 (1/3)
Da ShitPaws: 3 (1/2)
The Fighting Tony Danzas: 2 (2/0)
Beefmaster: 1 (1/0)

[fightonusc]

I'm stunned to see Schmidt on the ballot.  He's still on the market, since you guys like him so much.

I also believe fightonusc is a robot created by the RBI programmers themselves.  His existence is a message from them.

*reaching my hands to the window, whispers*  I hear you RBI gods.

This information does not compute with the assigned directives...Whirrr...Would you like to play a game?...Whirr...Number Five is Alive!!!

[ultimate7]

Righetti got robbed.

[fknmclane]

I'm so proud of my fucking team and especially my boy Johnny Tudor.  Hooray for The Poopydicks...now if they can just win some more games.

[fightonusc]

OK, I'm breaking from schedule. Because of the holiday, we're going to play the All-Star game this week, and hold off on the regular season games until next week....

That being said, any predictions on the All-Star game. I suspect that the mediocre hitting of the NL All-Stars will overcome the mediocre pitching of the AL All-Stars. NL in a slugfest, and this is what you get for voting Clemens as the AL starter...

[ultimate7]

I'm glad none of my pitchers made it, I wouldn't want them wearing themselves out pitching innings in the All-Star game

[fknmclane]

Tudor is going to SHUT DOWN the pussies on the AL, even his own teammates, Rupperto and DaEvans and Fatty Nokes.

[BeefMaster]

One player... damn.  At least he earned his spot, or I'd be the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of Fantasy RBI, with my token bench player.

My prediction: AL 26, NL 17.

[Mike D.]

AL 28, NL 18.  No way you hold that offense down.

[ultimate7]

NL 19 AL 18  

[fightonusc]

Here are the starting line-ups for the two teams - ignore your own teams, since those just got jumbled around to make the two AS team rosters fit...

[GreatScott]

go blank morris.  who'd a thuk it?  only in rbi

[japetus462]

NL 16 AL 12

[ultimate7]

When is the All-Star game happening?  Friday?

[fightonusc]

I'm hoping to get to it today before I leave for home for the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm also working on a Web page for the Fantasy RBI League, so that's been sucking up some time as well.

[ultimate7]

I'm hoping to get to it today before I leave for home for the Thanksgiving weekend. I'm also working on a Web page for the Fantasy RBI League, so that's been sucking up some time as well.

Holy crap, no one is ever going to be able to run a fantasy league again because this one will put them to shame.

[ultimate7]

SP - John Tudor (Pd)
RP - Bob Ojeda (St)
RP - Danny Cox (St)
RP - Dwight Gooden (Oc)

How did Cox end up as Pitcher #2 and Ojeda end up as Pitcher #3, this was a huge mistake by the NL manager.