RBI Manifesto

[fknmclane]

RBI Baseball is the greatest video game of all time.  It combines strategy and skill with the greatness of mid 80's baseball and the hilarity of short, fat men with short, fat bats.

RBI Baseball should be played competitively but friendly competition is the key.  Controller throwing and smashing of beer cans is all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  At the conclusion of each game, each opponent should be able to look the other in the eye and say "good game, my friend."

RBI Baseball teams should be chosen at random.  Opponents should play through every team before actually choosing a team on their own free will.

These random matchups are one of the best features of RBI Baseball, as a player can get fucked one round with a Houston vs Detroit draw but turn the tables the next series with a NL vs Minnesota draw.  Common sense would point to a victory by the more powerful teams in these instances, but the beauty of a random team pick is the victory by the little guy, for example the St Louis Cardinals over the mighty Boston Red Sox, with Johnny Tudor silencing the powerful rightie lineup of Boston and the speed demons for the Cardinals offense slapping the ball to all fields.

One starting pitcher and one starting pitcher only should be used in a game of RBI Baseball for the simple reason that if you use two, you're fucked for your next game in the series.

Said starting pitcher should work the corners, mixing an occassional fastball or changeup with a steady reliance on location, location, location.  A batter that has been taken out of his comfort zone is an easy out.

Having said that, all pitches thrown must be hittable, must be called a strike if not put into play or fouled off.  This encourages higher-scoring games and solid fielding, as those on defense must always be on their toes.

A batter should go with whatever works.  Some prefer a tettleton.  Some start at the bottom of the box.  My batters let the pitcher know they're ready by standing up in the box and just a step off the plate, enabling them to go get the outside fastball but leaving just enough room to fight off a nasty inside pitch.

An RBI fielder should be able to make hard, bouncing throws every time.  Only nancy boys lob the ball across the infield and are penalized with the dreaded "SAFE" call from the always on top of things RBI Umpires.  The more moves (run in, spongebob, statue of liberty, and stike a pose comes to mind) a fielder can make, the more crowd-pleasing he is.  The more BOPS a fielder makes, the greater the chances of the player ripping out his hair and putting his foot through the television.

Drinking while playing RBI Baseball is not frowned upon.  In fact, in many cases, it is encouraged.  Beer and RBI complement one another extremely well, much like taking a shit and reading the sports page.  There is also the state of consciousness one can reach while drinking and playing RBI, something close to being in "the zone."  Not drunk, not sober, just seeing every pitch perfectly and being three pitches ahead of your opponent.  It's a special feeling.

RBI Baseball will never die, unless of course every NES system one day suddenly self-destructs.  The patron saint of RBI Baseball, Gantry Zettler, has done more for the game than most anyone, except perhaps the original programmers.  Through the concept of dee nee, an RBI state of mind, Saint Gantry has promoted RBI and all its goodness and for this he is to be forever thanked.

RBI Baseball:  the world's greatest video game.

[Reds]

Well fknmcplayed

[fknmclane]

I'm hoping every dee neeer does their own RBI Manifesto.  Trying to encourage some RBI talk.

[Nails]

Excellent writeup.

[RedBarron]

Fantastic idear.

The only problem is that the goons of the site (like me) have a hard time reading posts that contain more than 2 lines.

However, RBI will persevere. . . . . the deeneecreem will rise to the tip.

I'll be thinking of my manifesto. . .  . . .am i allowed to include examples of play from my youth?   Granted it was mostly StL v Hou but it was some fun shizzle.

[Gantry]

A wonderful and touching tribune mclane, well done!

who wants to write the next one?

[JoeDirt]

You're going to have fits in the tourney!

[fknmclane]

A wonderful and touching tribune mclane, well done!

who wants to write the next one?

Thanks Gantry.  I hope it touched you in all the right places.

I was hoping everyone would write one.

And yes, I'm gonna have fits in the tourney...but I am practicing.  Old habits die hard.

[ultimate7]

I just want to play a 2 player game again, it's been so long.

[JoeDirt]

I just want to play a 2 player game again, it's been so long.

That's what you get for farting me the last time I was in town...

[ultimate7]

Just had too much going on that week, besides that was still End of October, 5 months ago, it'd still be a long time, they sending you back anymore?

[JoeDirt]

not anytime soon....tourney in June, dude...

[BDawk]

How about a Haiku maifesto

RBI is cool
Whitaker sucks my white ass
I like Kirk Gibson


Yup, that about sums it up.

[Shooty]

RBI is a game, actually scratch that, a godsend, that while easy to play is difficult to master. 

Is RBI perfect?  Not at all.  It seems like they will never get around to integrating with the Negro leagues.  However the inherent flaws of the game (wallsies, mini pitchers, computer glitches, bad AI, controlling 5 guys at once) are what make the game so great.  Not only do you have to battle your opponent, you have to master "the game".

I guess the reason why RBI is so ingrained in the lives of those lucky enough to have played it is that much like 80's baseball itself, it invokes the joys of our childhood.  And while most of us (Bonny and Darkside excluded) have probably got too old to compete in real life baseball, RBI allows those dreams to live on.  However, unlike MLB, RBI never lets us down by evolving with the times...players never spit on umpires, have to suffer through Tommy John surgery, or inject themselves with steroids.   Best of all, your team stays your team...players never get traded or retire due to old age.  To this day, I still watch the Cardinals on TV and yell at the screen in a vain attempt to bring Jim Lindeman to the plate.  Davey Lopes is still the fastest player on the Astros and Al Pedrique is a perennial All Star.

Best of all, RBI, through the power of Dee-nee, has brought together a group of people who otherwise would have never met.  And while I am a relative newbie, I have a deep appreciation for the bonds that have developed between people who up until joining this forum had shared nothing in their lives except the love of RBI.

Amen.

P.S. pitchers can't hit homers.

[ultimate7]

Nice post Shooty

[fknmclane]

Yes!  That's exactly what I was hoping for.  Well done, Shooty!  Exclamation point.

[Nacho]

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to dissolve the bands of television from the manifold of useless crap, the insertion of RBI into the life-giving box of NES propels the consciousness into unfathomable heights of glory and greatness.  Whereas the laws of man are fallible and maleable, the laws of RBI transcend the constrictions of time and space, and enter the realm of the Gods.  Forever shall we be empowered by them, and we must sit at the altar of thine RBI laws of governance.

RBI demands that the laws of straight-pitch must be broken.  For too long have mortals subscribed to the temptation that more runs equates to more fun.  On the contrary, a pitchers duel is a most precious site to behold;

RBI asks that the use of NL, AL, and Detroit be used only at bare minimum, and when both players agree that a match in which the use of one or more of these teams is in order.  In all other instances, these teams must be barred;

RBI restricts the use of TWO starting pitchers to games that have gone into extra innings.  Baseball was meant to be played this way, as was thy master, RBI;

RBI is sacrosanct, and the RBI Drinking Game is doubly so.  All rules must be followed, and portions must be officially rationed so that no mortals cheat the rules of the RBI Drinking Gods;

RBI regards no matchup to be of greater metaphysical quality as the pairing of Houston and St. Louis.  This matchup produces the closest of matchups, sometimes lasting in excess of 20 innings;

RBI demands that no player take advantage of AI glitches.  In other words, you must inforce the infield fly rule.  Do not intentionally drop fly balls in the infield in order to get extra outs.  Additionally, with runners on first and third, you cannot steal second base in order to bring your man on third to home.  This is far too easy, and you are taking advantage of RBI's human-drafted intelligence data. 

Whereas the RBI Gods cannot enforce the above rules by themselves (for they have given Man free will!), players are asked not to break RBI's most coveted of laws.

Most of all, RBI demands attention, love, and frequent use.  RBIers unite!  You have nothing to lose but your chains!

[fknmclane]

Way to take the "Manifesto" and run with it.  Papa Karl would be proud.

[Mike D.]

This is great stuff.

[TempoGL]

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to dissolve the bands of television from the manifold of useless crap, the insertion of RBI into the life-giving box of NES propels the consciousness into unfathomable heights of glory and greatness.  Whereas the laws of man are fallible and maleable, the laws of RBI transcend the constrictions of time and space, and enter the realm of the Gods.  Forever shall we be empowered by them, and we must sit at the altar of thine RBI laws of governance.

RBI demands that the laws of straight-pitch must be broken.  For too long have mortals subscribed to the temptation that more runs equates to more fun.  On the contrary, a pitchers duel is a most precious site to behold;

RBI asks that the use of NL, AL, and Detroit be used only at bare minimum, and when both players agree that a match in which the use of one or more of these teams is in order.  In all other instances, these teams must be barred;

RBI restricts the use of TWO starting pitchers to games that have gone into extra innings.  Baseball was meant to be played this way, as was thy master, RBI;

RBI is sacrosanct, and the RBI Drinking Game is doubly so.  All rules must be followed, and portions must be officially rationed so that no mortals cheat the rules of the RBI Drinking Gods;

RBI regards no matchup to be of greater metaphysical quality as the pairing of Houston and St. Louis.  This matchup produces the closest of matchups, sometimes lasting in excess of 20 innings;

RBI demands that no player take advantage of AI glitches.  In other words, you must inforce the infield fly rule.  Do not intentionally drop fly balls in the infield in order to get extra outs.  Additionally, with runners on first and third, you cannot steal second base in order to bring your man on third to home.  This is far too easy, and you are taking advantage of RBI's human-drafted intelligence data. 

Whereas the RBI Gods cannot enforce the above rules by themselves (for they have given Man free will!), players are asked not to break RBI's most coveted of laws.

Most of all, RBI demands attention, love, and frequent use.  RBIers unite!  You have nothing to lose but your chains!

I would also like to attach my signature to this Declaration of Independent RBI Thought.  Nacho's post perfectly summarizes that "RBI Purist" school of philosophy that we developed sometime early in the year of 2001.