Official Columbus Tournament Stories/Thoughts Thread

[fknmclane]

I slept like a rock last night.  I think my body finally gave in and had enough.  Three straight days of being pretty much drunk by noon will do that.

Special thanks to JoeDirt for putting the whole thing together and ensuring it ran smoothly (save for the shitty hotel tvs...but that problem was solved.)

Special thanks to fightonusc for flying out with me.  Made the trip much more enjoyable.

Special thanks to Gantry for all that is dee nee.

Random thoughts/stories:

-no matter how much I scrub and clean, MikeD and rdub just won't get out of my system.  There is now a cold, dead place in my heart because of them.  But seriously, MikeD and rdub are better than advertised and I loved every second of hanging out with them.  Actual quote from rdub at 12:15 in the afternoon on Saturday: "I'm such a fucking wreck right now, I can't even stand it."  I did not want to leave Hooters on Sunday afternoon but the image of MikeD drinking a beer with anal beads in his glass is something I will never forget.

-malnuboy is his internet self multiplied by about 1,000 thousand.  Holy shit he's hilarious.  Actual quote:  "So this is Columbus, huh? This town ain't so tough."  Highlights from malnuboy include the mask, a five minute Ric Flair impersonation and his endless supply of basketball jersies.

-The Floods are fantastic people but sadly, Emilio overdid it Friday night and didn't make much of an appearance on Saturday.  We were all left wanting more.

-Baines is still a rock.  He'd down to party whenever, wherever.  I was probably most excited to meet up with him again and we had a great time together.  My fellow 10 am boozehound.

-Attabozzle or Labalabalabadouchebag as I called him early, early Saturday morning in a total and complete drunken stupor has an anger and hooker (I missed this as I had already passed out and apparently would not wake even with promised with a hooker in the next room) problem but he can drive to McD's with the best of them.

-don't ever, ever, ever steal Lips' chair or he will scream uncontrollably.  I missed late Friday night when Lips was screaming through the fence at "dumb slut hookers" who apparently were a waste of time for MikeD and rdub.  Poor Lips' voice was gone all weekend after that display.

-TBT was not nearly as scary as I imagined...but then he started talking about emptying his bladder on girls in the shower.  One of my favorite people.

-Wumpst

-Nightwulf was the fucking man.  He would turn instantly angry if RBI code was brought up and actually said to Beales: "no matter how I fucking explain it, you will not fucking understand."  Lightning bolts then came out of his eyes and Beales' beverage started boiling.  I smoked a good number of his Turkish Golds and I speak for everyone when I say I'm thrilled he made it out.  Oh yeah, I missed this because I took the first cab, but nightwulf power puked as soon as we all left the bar.

-the cops were called Saturday morning and I still don't understand why.  I see nothing wrong with 15 drunken idiots making all kinds of noise at the hotel pool at 3 in the morning.

-our waitress at Hooters may or may not have had herpes that she got from Buckeye Lake where the carp are in abundance and so is their herpes.

-surprisingly, internet jokes don't get too old

-Gantry wore a lemonparty/tubgirl shirt.  That's all I can say about that.  And he has a magnificent heiny...I wanna be better friends with it.

I know I'm forgetting plenty but hopefully many blanks can be filled in my others.  This trip felt like a Vegas trip.  It was nuts an it was hilarious and it was the most fun I've had in a while.

[nightwulf]

-Nightwulf was the fucking man.  He would turn instantly angry if RBI code was brought up and actually said to Beales: "no matter how I fucking explain it, you will not fucking understand."  Lightning bolts then came out of his eyes and Beales' beverage started boiling.  I smoked a good number of his Turkish Golds and I speak for everyone when I say I'm thrilled he made it out.  Oh yeah, I missed this because I took the first cab, but nightwulf power puked as soon as we all left the bar.

Now that's not fair. I didn't actually get angry at anyone, and if that's what I said to Beales, I didn't mean it to sound so derogatory. It's just frustrating to try and explain things to people who have no knowledge of the NES internals or 6502 assembler.

I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. Normal people with social lives don't know things about 20-year-old video game console hardware, and I'm strange like that. It's just difficult and frustrating to watch code as it runs and figure out exactly how it works, then try to turn it into a "human" explanation.

Nightwulf

[Big Hath]

I know I'm forgetting plenty but hopefully many blanks can be filled in my others. This trip felt like a Vegas trip. It was nuts an it was hilarious and it was the most fun I've had in a while.

Dee-Nee + Columbus = Vegas

Dee-Nee + Vegas = Armageddon

[JoeDirt]

It's just difficult and frustrating to watch code as it runs and figure out exactly how it works, then try to turn it into a "human" explanation.

That's exactly why you fkn computers stick together...just like the one in War Games. 

Nightwulf: "Shall-we-play-a-game?"
Matthew Broderick: "How about Global Thermal Nuclear War?"
Nightwulf: "Perhaps-you-would-prefer-a-nice-game-of-chess?"

[T Roogs]

Nightwulf: "Shall-we-play-a-game?"
Matthew Broderick: "How about Global Thermal Nuclear War?"
Nightwulf: "Perhaps-you-would-prefer-a-nice-game-of-chess?"
Emilio: "Perhaps I fucking kill you?!"

[Flood]

Nightwulf: "Shall-we-play-a-game?"
Matthew Broderick: "How about Global Thermal Nuclear War?"
Nightwulf: "Perhaps-you-would-prefer-a-nice-game-of-chess?"
Emilio: "Perhaps I fucking puke my guts out?!"

[Gantry]

I guess I missed this thread as well.  I don't want to drive home from work right now, so I'll keep posting random thoughts.

- First things first, I had an absolute fucking blast.  I didn't want to leave, and I stretched things out as long as humanly possible.   I am really fkn tired now though, the body needs sleep.

- Friday night was a huge blur.  About 5 minutes after arriving (1pm), I call up MikeD and meet up with him at the golf course.  It's MikeD, rdub, malnu and Baines, all shitfaced at hole 12.  About 5 minutes with rdub and MikeD was all it took to know they are as advertised.  In the span of five holes, all the following happened:

1)  About 25 beers were consumed between the 5 of us.
2)  Rdub and MikeD got scolded for driving with 3 in a cart by the golf pro or whoever
3)  10 seconds later, Rdub and MikeD insisted on driving 3 in a cart again
4)  Rdub drove his golf cart over at least two greens, maybe three
5)  Rdub ran over about everyone's ball at least 3 times
6)  Rdub threw his beer about 50 feet into the bushes
7)  Rdub and MikeD threw their clubs at each other
8)  Rdub and MikeD unlocked Baines' bag from the cart at least 10 times.  Each time the bag fell as they drove away.  We laughed like school girls each and every time.
9)  Malnu swings a golf club like Ruben Sierra bats.  Has to be seen to be believed
10) Rdub and MikeD hit on the beer chick a good 50 times
11) MikeD was able to get the beer chick to drive him around in the beer cart
12) MikeD got the beer chick to hit a couple tee shots
13) Rdub said to me that MikeD "fingered her all the way here" when he got a ride.  Beer girl heard this, yet somehow MikeD got out of it without incident.
14) 20 minutes later, rdub and MikeD are still contemplating way to kill the golf pro who scolded them
15) Baines, like he did all weekend, took everything in stride and was up for anything. 

That was the first 60-90 minutes of my trip, more to come...

[BeeJay]

This stuff is cracking me up.  I still refuse to believe that Rdub and MikeD actually exist.  People like that only exist in movies.

[fightonusc]

I'm going to break my recollections of the weekend up into several posts, since there was a lot of ill shit going down, and a lot of the stories tied into things that happened earlier in the weekend.

Friday:

I fly out to Phoenix to meet fknmclane, where we have about one hour until our flight to Columbus lands. (I had already had a beer on the flight over – it's awesome to see the looks on everyone's faces when you order a beer on a plane at 8 a.m.) I look around for a sign that says "LemonParty" or "fightonusc", but just see a guy who looks like The Sports Guy and Tom Cruise's love child. We decide to hit the Fox Sports Bar next door while we wait. We proceed to order large beers (it's about 9 a.m.), and the bartender asks us if we also want shots since "it's only $2 more when you get a beer". Like you need to sell us on the idea of more alcohol.

The flight over was late (thank you Southwest), but painless. Several rounds of beers were ordered during the flight, and I think the flight attendant undercharged us. (All McLane had was a $10, and they never got around to making change until the end of the flight, keeping a running tab instead. But I'm pretty sure we drank more than three beers between the two of us, even though we wound up with a dollar change when we were done.

We land in Columbus and get JoeDirt on the phone. He's on his way to pick us up and will meet us outside. He asks what we look like:

"Well, I look like the guy riding the train, and McLane looks like the guy with the I Heart Anal Sex T-shirt."

"Oh, OK."

I ask what he's driving, and he says the make, model and color of his car. Although he adds that "you notice me". Sure enough, as we step outside, we see a car pulling up to the curb with big piece of paper in the front windshield that simply says "Joe Dirt" in bold letters.

We exchange pleasantries, and I get ready for the ride over to the hotel. I'm thinking it's probably about five minutes or so. Inside, I'm trying to prepare myself for seeing all of Dee-Nee all at once (basically) in person for the first time.

So imagine my surprise when we literally pull out of the airport and within 90 seconds are pulling into the glamorous Comfort Inn Columbus Airport parking lot. Where, as promised, I see everyone in the parking tailgating with a huge cooler of beer – Gantry, Baines, Mike D., rdub, Attezz, Malnuboy (who didn't have time to get the mask on, I think). Much yelling ensues as we park.

The yelling continues as we head over to sample some tasty Old Styles (which are actually really, really good). Much hammering of beers continues after the Flood family (CurtFlood, WifeofFlood and HoundofFlood) arrives, especially by Curt, who really can put the beers away.

[fightonusc]

At about 6 p.m. we decide that if we want to get to the game minor-league baseball game, we should start calling some cabs. (JoeDirt left with Attezz, I think, to pick TBT up from the bus station). We stumble inside, where the very bemused front desk staff proceeds to call several cabs for us. As we're heading out, the one we would up calling Pretty Cute Front Desk Chick smiles and hands us a stack of business cards from the hotel.

"You might need these to remember where you're staying tonight," she said, and I can tell you that she know what she's talking about.

We shamble over to the stadium in two cabs, but somehow get split up and wind up at different entrances. (Everyone at this point is me, fknmclane, the Flood family, Baines, Gantry, and malnu – JoeDirt is picking up TBT at the bus stop and dropping him and Attezz off.) Gantry's group has already bought tickets, and we play phone tag to attempt to coordinate. However, the people at our booth can't sell us box seats in the same section, so we have to sit in another section. Which is odd, because when we get there, we pretty much have both sections to ourselves.

So, we ask the usher if we can just sit together since there is clearly no one around. The usher, who resembled the fat old guy from the original "Bartles and James" wine cooler ads, said it was OK, and we thought that he was cool, too.

We settle into the seats and start ordering a lot of beers from the waitress who comes to our seats. Her name is Kelly, and she's in her 20s, sort of nondescript looking in that "You would if you were drunk, and you'd neither be neither proud nor ashamed the next day" sort of way. I wind up shooting the shit with her for awhile before the game, and asking her about the bar "Larry's" that I had researched. She gives it a good review and I mention in passing that we're thinking about going there the next day.

Our seats are next to the Mets' bullpen, and we start trying to get them to bring HoJo over – they say to wait until after the game. The game starts and, along with the beer drinking, so does the heckling. We give the RF a bunch of crap because he makes a routine play look really difficult so he can showboat. When notoriously poor fielding Jose Offerman comes up, I stand and yell this:

"Hey, how to you spell Offerman? O-F-F-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E".

Meanwhile, Attezz (the Mets' fan here) has struck up a conversation with Padilla, who is the Mets' closer and has been leaning over the rail cracking up at our antics. Attezz goes over to get an autograph, and Padilla blows off two 5 year-old kids to talk to him. Dee-Nee!

Meanwhile, we've noticed that in the top section, by herself, is this smoking hot Latina chick. And it's clear that she's not dressed for a Friday night game at the ballpark – she's clearly wearing a lot of money, and used some on her boobs too. We guess that she must be a player's wife or mistress, and when we see her talking on a cell phone while Padilla does as well, we associate her as "Padilla's Wife".

[fightonusc]

For some reason that escapes me, McLane goes up and starts chatting up Padilla's Wife. I don't remember if we were trying to hook her up with Malnu, find out if she was Padilla's Wife, or just be friendly and invite her down for a beer. At any rate, she was not amused.

It should be noted that Malnu caught not one but two foul ball during the game. Actually, the second time (while McLane was chatting up Padilla's Wife) a ball went into the Mets' bullpen, and one of the pitchers lobbed it to our group and Malnuboy got it. He decided to be generous with it and auction it off by yelling at the general around us.

"Hey, who wants a foul ball?!? Whichever person makes the most noise gets it!"

So of course, people start cheering to get the ball. Including three fairly attractive girls (probably college age) sitting in the front row). Collectively, I think we all thought the same thing – give the ball to the girls and you've got an in, Malnu. But Malnu's too nice for that – he gives the ball to a young kid there with his family. The dad is so happy that he buys a beer for Malnu.

Whether it was McLane's harassment of Padilla's Wife or Malnu actually getting the crowd excited while doing a good deed, apparently Mr. Old Fart Usher had seen enough. He comes barreling over to yell at us that "I got you those seats that are together, now you guys need to stay there!" Again, keep in mind that there was no one around us for at least 10 rows and 10 seats on either side.

It's the fifth or sixth inning, and we decide it's a good time to bug out. We go call cabs and wait. And wait. And wait. Finally the rides come to take us to a bar in the Arena District (the hip place with a lot of cool bars) called Brothers, where we're meeting Mike D and rdub. Late-arrivers Lips and GDavis are also meeting us there. (Actually, this part is kind of fuzzy to me – did we go back to the hotel or straight to the bar?)

At any rate, we wind up at Brothers, which is a huge bar with a big outdoors patio area right next to a busy street. I wound up spending the first part of the evening there playing pool with fknmclane, as we took out some local competition. Eventually, I head back over to the patio, where a good portion of the rest of the group has migrated.

The rest of the night is kind of blurry for a while. I know that while we were outside, that's when Lips went nuts. First, he started screaming (and really, just screaming) at a guy when the guy tried to take a chair from him. Then, he started shouting really obnoxious and wonderful things at random people who were walking outside on the street. Stuff like "Hey, you fat whore!"

Meanwhile, CurtFlood has been drinking and drinking and drinking. At some point that turned into puking and puking and puking. Into the bushes outside the bar. The same bushes that Baines puked into the night before. Fortunately, Malnu was able to get a pics? of CurtFlood's finest hour (with Baines in the background doing the famous "Baines  Pose").

Much more drinking ensues. We realize that we've lost Gantry – we later find out that he decided to go home by himself without telling anyone else. I decide that we need to find GDavis a wife, so I head over to a table of attractive women and say, and I think this is accurate:

"Hi, this is my friend GDavis. He's looking for a wife. He's also really good at Nintendo. Any takers?"

[fightonusc]

Surprisingly, it didn't work. Maybe I should have said "good at RBI Baseball" to clarify.

It was very, very crowded. At one point, I told Mike D that I could probably drop my pants and no one would notice. Mike D started to respond about said point, until he realized that I had, in fact, had already done so, and he was standing there talking to a man in a crowded bar with his pants at his ankles. Good times. And sexy times as well.

Eventually, I pull my pants up and we leave as they close. It's a zoo outside, with dozens of people trying to get taxis at once up and down the block. Lips has a card of the cab driver that dropped him off, so he decides to call him.

As we're waiting, Lips goes to the vendor on the corner and orders a damned tasty gyro. Except, I also think he was eating meat directly off the grill as well, although I'm a bit unsure of these details. What I do remember is that eventually, a "Blue Cab Co." taxi comes, and Lips heads over for it, since that's the cab company he called. As he's getting in, a group of four or five girls jump in the cab in front of him. He starts making a ruckus about them stealing our cab, and us calling it first, as a cop reaches in and pulls him out.

At this point, I am positive that he is going to jail, and probably the rest of us too. Lips is getting pulled away, and he's raising his arms in the air like Shawn Bradley does in the paint to block a shot  - just stiff and straight up, trying to show that he's not making any contact. Much lecturing follows – Lips explains that he had called that cab, and the cop basically says that that's probably true, but it doesn't matter so let it go.

Eventually, we got a cab and went home. Much more drinking in the shared rooms followed, and we retired for the night at about 4 a.m. or so.

Saturday's recap is to follow. If I screwed up any details, or missed something, feel free to add to it.

[fightonusc]

There's a story on Friday also about a group of people getting denied when trying to walk through the drive through at McDonald's at 4 a.m., so they stole the sign that said "For Your Safety, We Do Not Accept Pedestrians At The Drive-Thru". TBT's logic is that if they didn't have the sign, they couldn't enforce the rule.

[fathedX]

Remember, this is for posterity, so please, be honest.

Excellent work, fighton.  Keep it up.

[Lips]

Ok, I don't have much to add...and I don't want to interrupt fightonusc's most-awesome recap, but I want to leave work.  So here is a very quick story:

While very thirsty for another beer at Brothers on Friday night, but also very lazy, I tried to schmooze MikeD into buying us some beers.  MikeD jumped on it, called over a waitress, and asked her to bring us back 6 Lites (or Bud Lights) and 6 Jager Bombs.  People were scattered at this point and by the time the waitress came back, MikeD was nowhere in sight.  Malnu tried to spring for the $50+ bill, but Flood gave Malnu the Mutumbo finger and paid for the bill, himself.

And here's a general statement about MikeD, which must be made:  Anything he said, followed by a "YES!!" was somehow automatically fknhilarious.  At least for me...

Dee-Nee!! (in non D-Knee way)

[FakeWumpst]

After 1100 miles driven and 9 hours of sleep in three days, I've finally recuperated enough to register and post for the very first time ever! Wahooo!

What an excellent tournament! Thanks to everybody for making it as unique and as awesome as it was. (I'm only sorry I missed Friday night and most of Sunday. Next time, you won't be able to get rid of me so easily!) Saturday night was epic! Special thanks to Gantry and JoeDirt. Extra special solid platinum thanks to Nightwulf, both for being the tremendously great guy that he is and for introducing me to all you crazy f*ckers in the first place!

[Dryden]

Once you get to know us better, you'll realize you can spell out "fuckers" here.  It's pretty much the equivalent of saying hello, y'know?

[fightonusc]

Wumpst!

[fightonusc]

Yes!

[Dryden]

Before he starts upping his post count, shouldn't gantry delete Wumpst so Wumpst can be Wumpst?